Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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