why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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