sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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