No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
