just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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