i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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