WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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