I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
soo... how was my night?
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