I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
