Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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