Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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