dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
