I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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