More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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