So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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