Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
