Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
