Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
