My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
