walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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