I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
