he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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