We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
