I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
