This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
