I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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