I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
