twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
