I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
there is glitter all over my balls
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