please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
