I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
