you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
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His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
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You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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