i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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