i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
