your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
