so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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