i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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