so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
