So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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