I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
