1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
