haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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