But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
