Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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