and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
