What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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