I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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