Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
