All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
