omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
