Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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