Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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