Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i believe in u and ur pee
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
