I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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