She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
